Tired

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically yes but so much more mentally.

Somehow I was unable to take the stress today. My OM hurting his finger somehow shook me. And with that unintentional comment I was much more depressed than ever. (Am I a really jinx or something? Never have I ever wished I never exist.)

Since my first working day, I've seen so many injuries. I wonder if they were normal or already happening in a frequency too high. There was a passing remark by someone about me causing that injury of my OM. Even though I was very confirmed that I did not cause that injury, somehow I sort of went unsure and even questioned the rest if I had caused that injury. Of course the answer was NO. 

I hate how I can't do something to make things better. Just like how there's nothing I could say when my OM said his finger was effing bad. All I could do was to see him off and asked him to take care. How useless was that?

I hate the fact that I'm not close to anyone at all and how I can't establish a better relationship with them. How I kept saying "sorry" because I'm incompetent. How the water heater just had to give me problems during closing hours. How I had to make waffle mix but unable to find a place to store it. How all the things just somehow jammed at the food runner's station. How I was repeatedly reminded about my lateness in closing today. How I kept needing help from others.

Even though I can end this post with a positive mindset, I don't want to. Somehow I don't really want to feel optimistic now. I know some days are good and some days are bad. Somehow I feel that I had the worse day of the week. Until tomorrow and Sunday, I can't confirm this statement yet. 

I pity the organisation, for having such an incompetent worker like me. Are they wasting their money on me?

Argh, have to reflect properly. I need to increase in my speed. How to organise things better and do things in an orderly manner. How to be efficient. Initaitive. 

I hate how I got back to my old self. The one which kept saying "sorry". I can still recall during Sec 2 I was so apologic. I hate it. 

Come on. Evolve already! The flu virus has already mutated so many times yet I'm still the same. Time for a change. Really. For a better future.